Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
