# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
