if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
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