I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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