everyone is single if you try hard enough
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
