I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
