I wish I could punch you in the face.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
