Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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