It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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