did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Let's paint friendship bongs
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Randomize
