Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
