why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize