I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I could make wine with my vomit
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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