giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
