My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Randomize
