Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
