My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
cat food counts as protein by the way
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
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