I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize