He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
