you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
