Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
