found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
