I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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