He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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