when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
Randomize
