Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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