I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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