No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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