His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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