my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
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