you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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