i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Randomize
