she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
