You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
