got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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