wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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