A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
