I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Randomize
