my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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