my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
