You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
