I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I need a burrito and a hug.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
