My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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