When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
we're so committed to being not committed
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
