I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
