The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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