Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
