I am puke
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
