Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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