I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
