the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
