I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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