I swear god or herbie drove my car home
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
