I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize