i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
