Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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