I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
