My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
